The Redundant Candy

The Redundant Candy

David and Larry walk into a candy store.

David: I’m tellin ya, man. If they would’ve just ran the ball, they would have won.

Larry: Maybe. You know what I think? I think you didn’t even watch the game. You don’t even like sports. I bet you just read that on some forum.

David: Maybe. So what should we get?

Larry: We?

David: Yeah, we. We’ll split something.

Larry: Nope. No way. I am not a splitter. I get the thing I want, and the portion I want because I intend to eat it all. Not a waster either. No wasting. No splitting.

David: I see your point, but people have gotta cut down on their sugar intake. You know how many grams of sugar you’re supposed to have daily? Guess. Guess how many grams.

Larry: I don’t know-

David: (cuts him off) Six. Six grams of sugar. You drink pop?

Larry: Sometimes.

David: Well you are over the limit my friend!

Larry: Alright, fine. We’ll split something. What’d you want?

(Both stare at the selection for a bit)

David: You know what’s funny?

Larry: What?

David: I have been have been perusing candy selections since I could walk, but I still have to do the stop and stare. I’ll walk up to the shelf, and just stare for a few minutes. I know what’s here, but I have to stop and stare.

Larry: I could do licorice right now.

David: Oh, I love licorice.

Larry: Yeah, the one’s you peel. I could go for some peely licorice.

David: I don’t see it here. I don’t think they have it. You know what my rule of thumb is for licorice?

Larry: What?

David: If the brand’s logo has an animal on it, it is fine and tasty licorice. The one with the panda or the kangaroo, both are fine licorice. Even if it’s black licorice.

Larry: Oh, god no. Black licorice tastes like ass.

David: Alright. What about Reese’s Pieces?

Larry: You always want Reese’s Pieces.

David: I like the pieces.

Larry: Not enough peanut butter. The ratio is just not worth it. I love my peanut butter. For many meals I might as well just put it in the jar and eat it from there.

David: Too much butter of the peanut.

Larry: Never enough. How about some Kazoozles?

David: What’re you five? What the fuck is a Kazoozle?

Larry: Fun to say. Fun to eat.

David. No.

Larry: Skittles?

David: Skittles are the refuse of unicorns and fairies. I don’t wanna taste the goddamn rainbow! I have an aversion to skittles. I ate too many one night when I was a kid and threw up everywhere.

Larry: Okay. No Skittles. Peach rings. Peach rings are a good candy.

David: Peach rings?

Larry: Peach rings.

David: I dunno. You eat three or four peach rings and you get tired of them. They get redundant. They’re a redundant candy.

Larry: Well you suggest one? Something that isn’t “redundant.”

(Pause)

David: I think I’m gonna get the pieces.

Larry: I think I’m gonna get the rings.